Orochimaru Saves? Christmas
by Selvanic
Summary: A total crack fic. Christmas hits a bit of a snag, and Kabuto manages to convince Orochimaru to do the right thing. For the wrong reason. Implied OroKabu


_Hey everyone~! I know it's no chapter 6, but I was dared by my aunt to attempt to write an Orochimaru based fanfiction that revolved around Christmas and not sex. Huh. So~, I took her on. HAHA! But it's a total crack fic. EVERYONE is OOC, there's little to no plotline, and there's a cameo appearance from someone you may all be familiar with (if you've been reading and paying attention to _Overworked and Underpaid_). So let's do a quick run-down, shall we? I wrote this ENTIRE thing in one day. Today. Because I wanted to win a bet. I had no intention of making it as in depth or analytical as my other works. The only goal here, was to write a fic about Christmas...that was funny. Hopefully the funny is accomplished. _

_Anyway, it's rated the way it is because there's violence, crude language, and suggestive themes. Hey!! It wouldn't be a story about Orochimaru by me if he didn't hit on Kabuto at least a -little-. And trust me, he does. =D Ok! Enough of my blather. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and all that jazz to all of my readers~! Enjoy my first ever crack fic. _

---

A thick pool of blood seeped out of the still-warm body, oozing its way across the otherwise cold stone floors. The only sound in the room was the steady, heavy, dripping of the crimson liquid slipping off the edge of the killer's blade. An interminable amount of time seemed to drag by as the two younger spectators stared speechlessly at the carnage. Finally, the platinum haired one swallowed dryly, adjusted his large round glasses, and heaved a shaky sigh.

"Lord Orochimaru, are you aware of who it is you just killed?" Yakushi Kabuto asked flatly, managing to keep his voice level.

Flicking his sword in an irritable attempt to rid it of the blood, the man in question snorted uninterestedly. His brilliant golden eyes scanned over his own lithe form lazily, checking for any spots or stains from his abrupt kill before regarding Kabuto dispassionately. "Should I _care_, Kabuto? He'd broken into my house, so I treated him as I do any intruder."

The black haired boy shook his head quickly, his face going from open shock to stony indifference and irritation. "You murdered Santa you moron," Uchiha Sasuke spat, crossing his arms firmly.

Orochimaru arched a sarcastic eyebrow, tilting his head in mock interest and feigned distress. "Oh really? Well isn't that a shame? Particularly that I don't give a damn." With that, he shot a dismissing look to both the younger men, as if to say that he was done with them and had no regrets for his actions.

"I don't think you fully understand, my lord," Kabuto muttered, earning a frighteningly cold glare from his master, "You _killed_ the holiday icon. As in…there's now all of his supplies and such sitting on our roof."

Rolling his eyes, Orochimaru countered with forced patience, "Then be rid of it. Take Sasuke-kun with you and get rid of whatever 'supplies' your precious holiday icon left behind."

Oddly enough, the usually stoic Uchiha boy didn't seem to take kindly to this, the snake lord's comment actually earning a _reaction_ from him. "You can't just dismiss this like it's another of Konoha's pitiful infiltration attempts!" the youngest of the three snapped, "You actually _killed_ Santa!"

"So I've been told, Sasuke-kun," the San'nin snarled warningly, "And I think I've made it perfectly clear that _I don't care_."

Kabuto sighed heavily and placed a hand on Sasuke's shoulder, stopping the boy from lashing out as his expression dictated he wanted to. None of them had seen such a violently emotional reaction from the angst ridden Uchiha for quite some time. It was surprising that it would come out after all these years over the death of a fat old man. Even if that fat old man _was_ Santa Clause.

The medic gently pulled Sasuke back to stand behind him, positioning himself between the darker haired individuals. "The fact remains, Lord Orochimaru, that you killed a man who has been around since the beginning of the tradition of Christmas itself. This man has been the heart of the holiday for children --"

"Wait. Did you say he's been alive since the beginning of _Christmas_?" Orochimaru had cut his right hand man off with his interjected statement, earning a subtle frown of frustration from the younger man.

Sighing heavily, Kabuto nodded his affirmation, repeating himself reluctantly. "Yes, my lord. The icon that is Santa has been around for an exponentially long time. Given, he wasn't always _known_ as Santa. In fact, the first version of him was --"

Once again, the snake lord cut Kabuto's sentence off mid-stride, raising his hand in a silencing gesture that the platinum haired surgeon followed more out of habit than anything else. The pale man then crossed his arms and hummed thoughtfully, serpentine eyes glancing down to his latest victim. "So…this man, this absurdly obese old man, has lived _that long_?"

Kabuto and Sasuke glanced at each other, their exasperation fading into knowing concern. They knew the look that gleamed behind those enthralling eyes, knew the intention. Orochimaru's interest had been peaked. Immortality had, after all, been their master's ultimate goal, and the older of the two oto'nin had practically thrown the fact that Santa had existed since the beginning of time in the San'nin's face.

"Please tell me you're not thinking what I think you're thinking, my lord," Kabuto mumbled, praying to whatever God existed that his instincts were wrong about his master for once.

Kicking the large, rounded corpse at his feet, a wide twisted smile spread across Orochimaru's sharply featured face. "Forget disposing of his things, Kabuto. We have a new goal. We're going to find out just how this decrepit old man obtained his immortality."

At this, Sasuke lost his patience, roughly shoving Kabuto aside to stand toe-to-toe with the snake lord. "You can't just _steal_ Santa's secret to immortality! You have to earn it!" His usually sable eyes had bled into the threatening red of his Sharingan, his fists clenched at his sides. It was more than obvious that the murder of his childhood Christmas icon had crossed one line too many, even if he didn't much care for the holiday anymore.

"Oh? And just who made _you_ the authority on this, Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru hissed, sneering derisively. "Are you Santa's newest representative?"

Kabuto didn't want to see the two come to blows. When they did, it got ugly, and he was always the one in charge of the clean-up afterwards. This year, he _didn't _want to deal with that. Clearing his throat loudly, the medic interjected smoothly, "Why don't we compromise? Orochimaru can finish what's left of Santa's run around here, and then he can seek out the man's key to immortality. Does that work for both of you?"

The genius of the San'nin flashed a dangerous look in his right hand man's direction. "Since when do _you_ tell me what I'm doing, Kabuto?" he demanded coldly, "I don't have to negotiate on anything."

"Oh, come now, Lord Orochimaru. You can't honestly just kill a man and then run away with his supplies for the sole purpose of stealing his secrets."

Orochimaru stared flatly at Kabuto, waiting for a moment while the oto'nin's own words sank in. His own face tweaked into a cynical smile as the platinum haired youth realized what he'd said and smiled sheepishly. What Kabuto had described was _exactly_ what Orochimaru did. He had no conscience, no moral bounds. He simply found what he wanted and took it by whatever means necessary. There was no bargaining, meeting half way, or even exchanging. Not unless that's what was required; and even then, Orochimaru would find a way to cheat the other party.

Scoffing at Kabuto's sudden lack of conviction, Sasuke snorted contemptuously, "Look, four eyes here has a point. Sure you may screw _other_ people over for your own twisted needs, but you can't do that to a holiday icon. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if angels swooped down to rip you apart where you stand."

Both Orochimaru and Kabuto stared at Sasuke in open disbelief. Had the boy _really_ just said that? Since when did the petulant, antisocial, Uchiha give a damn about anything but himself? And what gave _him _the right to preach about taking advantage of people for one's own needs? And since when did Sasuke believe in things like angels and holy retribution?

The snake manipulator shook it off first, narrowing his eyes and taking hold of the front of Sasuke's shirt, hoisting the boy off the ground. "This holiday season has infected your brain, Sasuke-kun," he shot disgustedly, "You're spouting all sorts of babble that doesn't even make sense. So I suggest you smarten up and remember just who it is you're talking to!"

"Lord Orochimaru, please," Kabuto sighed, shoulders slumped in a show of resignation, "This is getting ridiculous. Why don't you just leave Sasuke-kun be, and we'll go see what we can do about discovering Santa's secret for immortality."

Callously dropping the Uchiha back onto the floor - the boy landing with a soft thump on his rear end - Orochimaru raised a questioning eyebrow. "You're negotiating again, Kabuto. What did I _just_ tell you?"

The medic brought a hand up to rub patiently at the bridge of his nose. He could feel a killer headache coming on and remembered why he hated this time of year so much. Things always got outlandish during the alleged season for peace and love. Recomposing himself, Kabuto put on a wide, teasing smile, walked over to his master's side, and breathed next to his ear, "If you promise to agree to my little idea, I'll put on that outfit you bought me last year."

Orochimaru's face lit up and he stepped back to look his right hand man in the face. "Really? Without my having to threaten your life or get you wasted beyond coherent thought?"

"Really, Lord Orochimaru. I promise; I won't even complain this time."

A sudden sinking feeling hit Sasuke hard. He'd heard talk of the offending 'outfit', had heard the older two men fighting rather heatedly over it. Kabuto hadn't wanted to go anywhere _near_ the piece of clothing, whereas Orochimaru felt that, as his subordinate, Kabuto should do what he was told. The Uchiha boy had simply steered clear of it. He already knew that his master and the medic's relationship was anything but professional (a fact he adamantly blocked from his mind), but he'd never know just how far the two of them went for one another. Costumes had been something Sasuke had decidedly _never_ wanted to think about.

Crossing his arms with a broad, satisfied smile, Orochimaru practically beamed, "I suppose we have something of a deal then. You and I will go find this 'Santa's' secret to immortality, and Sasuke-kun can hold down the fort. I'm certain he can fend off any more would be intruders."

Kabuto nodded his brief agreement, making an overacted sweeping gesture with his arm for the older man to precede him. He cast a snide, sideways glance at Sasuke, almost as if to rub it in the younger boy's face just how much influence that the silver haired one had over their powerful leader before he slid out after Orochimaru.

As he fell in step with the snake lord, Kabuto realized the weather outside was anything but pleasant. "My lord?" he quietly interposed, "I think there's snow outside, and I believe the temperature has dropped somewhat drastically. You _may_ want to choose a better suited outfit."

"Worry about your _own_ clothing, Kabuto. I expect you to wear your gift for as long as we're out." The older man cast a smoldering, hungry stare over his shoulder, meeting the medic's widened sable eyes. "And perhaps _after_ we return as well, hmm?"

The surgeon blushed deeply and reached out to smack Orochimaru between the shoulders good naturedly. "You are impossible to please sometimes," Kabuto smiled in spite of himself. "But I'll go change. I'll meet you outside."

Within twenty five minutes, the two men met up once again, standing in front of a large, slightly snow covered sleigh, clearly drawn by what looked to be a group of reindeer. Kabuto couldn't help but laugh to himself. So all of the silly little Christmas tales held some merit after all. If he'd been any younger, there wasn't a doubt in his mind that he'd have been reduced to a squealing, ecstatic, child. However, he was a twenty one year old man now. A twenty one year old man, standing in the snow in a red, cut off, tank top, a matching red miniskirt lined with white fur and held up by a black belt, and knee high black leather boots with fishnet stockings. Oh yeah…he'd come a _long_ way from the time he stayed up waiting for Santa to visit. Orochimaru, on the other hand, was dressed in a long, black trench, similar white fur lining the cuffs and the bottom. The hood was thrown up over his head, and on his feet were thick, black boots, their large silver buckles glinting in the moonlight. He was anything _but_ the picture of Saint Nick.

"Cold, Kabuto?" the older man teased, holding out one gloved hand to the younger man.

Raising a doubtful eyebrow but taking the offered hand nonetheless, Kabuto returned nattily, "And what if I am, my lord? Would you let me go in and change?"

The San'nin laughed and pulled the younger man in against his body. "Hardly. It's such a rare thing for you to willingly dress up for me. I would simply offer to warm you up myself."

Kabuto returned with his own soft laughter and shook his head, placing a swift, chaste kiss on his master's pale lips. "Cute, Lord Orochimaru, but we don't have that kind of time to spend." As cold as Orochimaru usually was, in the dreadful winter evening air, Kabuto couldn't think of a warmer place to be.

"I suppose you have a point," the snake manipulator hummed thoughtfully, unthinkingly running his tongue along his lips to capture what little of his medic's taste lingered there. "Let's get this over with so I can take advantage of that lovely costume, hmm?"

Rolling his eyes in mock exasperation, Kabuto reluctantly dislodged himself and took a seat in the oversized sleigh. It was a good thing Santa was so fat. Otherwise, there wouldn't have been enough room for the two of them to go. At least not without Kabuto having to sit in his master's lap. And that _never_ ended the way it was intended to.

Orochimaru eyed the contraption warily, clearly not comfortable with the idea just yet. He didn't trust the fact that it was run by a bunch of hoofed animals. Sure, he'd heard of horse back riding and horse pulled carts, but if the stupid Christmas folktales were anything to go by, this thing allegedly _flew_. However, with one alluring smile from Kabuto, the snake lord found himself seated solidly next to the boy, wrapping one long arm around the slight man's waist. And just as both of them had mounted, the animals seemed to take things into their own hands.

Now, neither passenger knew _exactly _where they were going. Both just knew they had to get to wherever it was the fat man operated from and tear the place apart. If the answer would be anywhere, it would be in the guy's house. Yet the creatures guiding the ridiculously cliché sleigh apparently had an agenda of their own, and the two soon found themselves landing on some person's house.

"It seems to be on autopilot," Kabuto joked cynically, "And it looks like they don't plan on taking us where we need to go until we do what your victim had set out to do."

Glaring at the backs of the offending animals, Orochimaru snarled a string of vicious curses under his breath before he rummaged around to find the reins. Not that it helped any. Orochimaru had only ever really traveled via his giant serpents. And those listened to his every word.

Kabuto reached over and rested a hand on top of his master's. "Don't do that, Lord Orochimaru. You're just going to get us both hurt." He flashed what he hoped to be a placating smile in the face of the snake lord's clear indignation before swinging his long, painfully bare, legs out of the sleigh and onto the roof. "We might as well just get this done. The sooner the better, right?"

The pale man scoffed and crossed his arms, leaning back in the wooden bench of a seat to kick his feet up. "I'm doing no such thing, Kabuto," Orochimaru pointed out pitilessly, "Finishing this idiot's job was _not_ what I agreed to."

"It's just this once, my lord," Kabuto goaded, tilting his head and widening his eyes in ersatz pleading. "Besides, I could make it fun for you."

This offer caught the older man's attention, the brief flit of interest passing over his otherwise heartless expression almost undetectably. "Oh? And just how do you propose to do that?" Golden eyes had drifted over to meet sable ones and a slow smile crept up on Kabuto's face.

Shrugging nonchalantly, Kabuto answered offhandedly, "For every house you complete _without_ complaining, I'll let you gradually build up what you can do to me without my protest. How does that sound?"

"Sounds just as good for you as it does for me, my lovely medic," Orochimaru teased. Regardless, he swung his own legs over languidly, getting to his feet with practiced grace. "So then…just how do we do this?"

---

Young little Nakamura Takeshi was intent on seeing Santa Clause this year around. He was sick and tired of his older brother telling him that Santa didn't exist. And was fed up with being mocked for falling asleep every Christmas Eve before midnight even rolled around. No; this year, he _would _stay awake, and he _would_ see Santa. He had a pot of his mother's highly caffeinated tea on the small wooden table before him, and had already gone through half of it. He had the distinct feeling that he wouldn't be sleeping for days to come.

The child couldn't be sure of just what time it was when he heard the noises on the roof, but he knew it was well after one in the morning. His large brown eyes were half-lidded, and his small body felt numb. But he couldn't just let Santa _see_ him. Carefully, Takeshi slid off of the couch, his crippled right leg limping along behind him as he slid in to hide behind the couch. Finally, he'd be able to rub it in his stupid brother's face.

However, the people who came down were hardly what the young boy expected. Instead of a large, jolly, old man with a full beard and rosy cheeks, there stood a lithe, pale man, clad all in black, white fur trimming the dark hood, sleeves, and base of his sleek trench. Following shortly after came another person, dressed in skimpy red clothes, trimmed with similar fur as their predecessor. But what bothered Takeshi about the second person, was that they_ looked_ as if they were male, but was clearly dressed as a woman. This _couldn't_ have been Santa and his wife…could it?

Quietly hobbling out from behind the couch, young Takeshi cleared his throat softly and looked up with wide eyes as both people turned to look at him. The taller of the two's golden eyes held the boy transfixed, unable to move in a combination of terror and amazement.

"Kabuto, you didn't tell me any of them would be _awake_," the pale one whispered, his voice sliding through the air of the otherwise silent night like black velvet.

Adjusting its glasses, the second person replied calmly, "I hadn't thought it would be a problem. I've never know a child to actually stay up this long." After hearing the lighter haired one speak, Takeshi was certain it was a boy. Just…a very, very, odd boy.

The little, crippled, child swallowed hard and mumbled meekly, "A-are you…Santa?" He had to know. Because if the man _was_ Santa, did he ever have some corrections for his friends and family.

There was a pause for a long moment, the pale one turning to stare at his cross-dressing companion, freeing the child from the hypnotizing hold of those unique yellow eyes. However, Takeshi soon found himself held under their spell again as the man turned his attention back to the child. "And what if I _am_, my dear child? What would you do then?"

"W-well…I-I'd have to t-tell my friends th-that they're wrong about you. Th-they all seem to think that y-you're fat. A-and that you wear red."

Once again, there was a moment of silence before the taller of the two walked over to kneel in front of the terrified child. "Tell me, have any of your friends ever _seen_ Santa before? Or are they simply going off of something _they've_ been told?"

Takeshi's knees wanted to give out under the scrutiny of those serpentine eyes. He'd always been raised to think that Santa was a wonderful, joyous person, who brought warmth and love everywhere he went. This person just made the child want to collapse and give up. There was an overwhelming sense of power coming from him, and it made the boy begin to tremble almost immediately. Yet he managed to speak, managed to maintain their conversation. "W-w-well, most of th-them haven't, sir. S-Suzuki says he has though."

"It was probably me he saw then," the cross-dresser added with an elegant shrug. "Red clothes, white hair…I go everywhere with him." As he stated the latter, the lighter haired one gestured to the dark man who knelt before him, a faint smile flitting across his face.

"Yes, you do, don't you?" With one smooth movement, the pale man was back on his feet, having straightened himself out as he regarded his companion. He then turned back to Takeshi, a smile on his striking face. "And to answer your question, I suppose I _am_ Santa. At least for tonight."

The boy nodded stupidly, still unable to fully articulate his thoughts when he was under the seemingly all seeing stare that this man possessed. So this was Santa. But then…who was the other one? Frowning slightly, Takeshi took hold of Santa's sleeve and muttered quietly, "I-if you're Santa, th-then is that your wife?"

The third awkward pause settled over the three of them before Santa outright laughed. It wasn't the laugh all the songs and stories described either. It was deep, reverberating, and shook the boy down to the very core of his soul. It was almost…twisted. Finally, the rich sound died off, and the tall man reached down to muss the boy's already messy brown hair.

"Oh, he's not my wife," he assured with a bright and oddly frightening smile, "But that's a close enough assessment."

This comment earned a short, unimpressed scoff from the other person in the room, one black heel tapping impatiently on the floor. "Come on _Santa_," the cross-dresser grumbled, "We don't have all night remember."

Turning to face his companion, the lithe man's smile widened and his tone was playful. "Of course. How could I forget that we have a schedule to keep?" He then turned back to Takeshi one final time, kneeling and pulling out a pen. "Here; I'll sign something for you so that your friends won't think you're crazy when you tell them about this. How does that sound?"

Takeshi's face lit up and he nodded quickly, limping into the kitchen and grabbing one of his mother's magnetic notepads from the fridge. He then made his way back as fast as he could with his condition and shakily handed the paper over to Santa. The man flashed Takeshi another smile before scribbling rapidly on the paper, handing both the notepad and the pen back.

"You can keep the pen too. Now, if you'll excuse us…" Trailing his sentence off, the pale man rose back to his full height and turned to his partner with a smile, gesturing to the tree that sat in the corner of the room. "Leave the presents and let's go. Like you said, we don't have all night."

The cross-dressed one mumbled something under his breath but did as he was told, digging through the bag Takeshi hadn't even noticed and setting down several ornately wrapped and decorated packages. Once that was taken care of, he tossed an indifferent wave in the child's direction before vanishing alongside Santa, both disappearing in a manner that Takeshi attributed to ninjas. He couldn't wait to tell his friends about this. He knew staying up would be worth it.

---

The night passed at a torturously slow pace, the young crippled boy being the only conscious child that Orochimaru and Kabuto ran into. After leaving the child's house, the medic had been in a bit of a mood, grumbling about the snake manipulator and kids. It hadn't taken much to earn his right hand man's favor back though. It was astounding just what the San'nin could accomplish with his tongue alone. But the night _did _come to an end, the horizon bleeding itself into the oncoming colors of the cold morning dawn.

"Finally," Orochimaru sighed heavily, pulling his hood lower down to cover his eyes, "I thought we'd be out here forever."

A soft chuckle met the statement and actions, Kabuto placing an assuring and somewhat distracting hand on his master's thigh. "Yes, I have to admit that was a painfully long night. But now these animals should take us where we want to go." There was just as much relief in the medic's voice as there was in Orochimaru's, and it pleased the older man to know he wasn't the only one who had _forced_ himself to even pretend he'd enjoyed it.

Covering Kabuto's hand with his own in a gesture meant to keep the boy there, Orochimaru huffed, "They'd better. Or Sasuke-kun's going to learn how to kill flying enemies when we get back."

"Sounds good to me," Kabuto hummed, leaning over to rest his head on his master's shoulder. "I'd personally rather we went home anyway. I'm _freezing_ in this." Instinctively, the oto'nin curled in closer to the powerful San'nin, nearly wrapping himself around the other man entirely.

Orochimaru brought up his other hand to absently stroke at his lover's hair, sighing softly. "I don't regret making you put it on," he teased in spite of his doting actions, "And I'll make sure you don't either when we get home."

"If I can still _move_ by then, Lord Orochimaru," the younger man scoffed, shivering. He made a quick note to _never_ use dressing up as a means of bribing his master again; at least not if it involved going out.

But, sure enough, the animals swept the two further away than either of them had anticipated, the weather changing drastically, and both men curling in against one another. It occurred somewhere in the back of Orochimaru's mind that it suddenly made sense why the old man was so fat. Anyone of average bodyweight was sure to freeze to death in the temperatures that hit them faster than they'd expected. And before either of them had time to utter a single word, the animals had landed along a packed down runway, slowing to a stop in front of an overly quaint log house.

It was almost sickeningly welcoming, all of its frosted windows glowing with warm yellow light. The snow sat upon it in oddly perfect ways, level on every surface, every inch covered equally. Colorful electric lights rimmed its room, green strands of garland framing the windows. Orochimaru wanted nothing more than to tear it all down and have one of his familiars crush it beneath their powerful body. But, he'd never been one for the holidays.

Out of the front door walked a plump old lady, probably just as round as the man the powerful snake lord had killed earlier that day. In fact, she looked significantly like him. Same disgustingly friendly aura, same rounded cheeks and body, same white hair, and the same red outfit. Golden eyes darted to meet frosted over lenses, Kabuto shrugging apologetically.

"Where's my husband," the old woman asked in genuine concern, regarding the two other men with subtle doubt and fear. "Has he been hurt?"

Arching an eyebrow, Orochimaru asked back, "And just who are you?"

Seemingly taken aback by the blunt question, the woman stumbled back half a step. She looked from behind her small, rectangular glasses at both of them, her eyes lingering on Kabuto's less than decent appearance for a moment before Orochimaru possessively pulled the boy into his lap. The round woman blinked for a moment and straightened to what seemed to be her full height. "I," she announced proudly, "am Mrs. Clause. My husband is Santa. And that is _his_ sleigh you're currently sitting in."

The San'nin rolled his eyes. He should have expected as much. "Your husband met with an unfortunate accident," he sneered, "But my companion and I gladly took up his duties for the evening. In exchange, I've come to see just how it is he's stayed alive for so long."

If Kabuto had had the range of movement required, he'd have smacked not only his own forehead in frustration, but Orochimaru as well for lacking any tact whatsoever. Unfortunately, the cold temperatures had gone straight to his bones, and the medic was rationing his chakra flow through his body simply to keep anything from falling off. He had to admit, with Orochimaru clinging as possessively as he was, Kabuto found himself a touch warmer than he had been sitting on his own.

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Clause demanded, her plump arms folded across her massive chest. "My husband is only seventy five years old! That's not that amazing!"

Orochimaru tensed visibly, his eyes flashing dangerously. "_What_ did you just say?" he snarled under his breath, managing to keep the majority of his malice under control.

The woman shook her head, her frown deepening. "I said he's only seventy five. You didn't think he was something ridiculous like immortal did you?"

Digging nails into Kabuto's sensitive, exposed flesh, the snake lord cast his irate gaze down at his medic a moment before turning them back on the irritating female before him. "If he's only seventy five years old, then how in the _HELL_ has he been doing this for so long?!" He hadn't bothered holding anything back. He was cold, tired, and had been in more houses delivering _gifts_ for longer than he'd ever wanted to. That he'd have come all this way for _nothing_…

"Well he's not the _first_ Santa, you angry little boy, you," she scolded as if Orochimaru was some sort of unruly child. "He's just the latest generation. Same as me. It's a family tradition, delivering gifts to all the nice people around the world. His family has been doing it since the beginning of Christmas. In fact --"

"Save the history lesson for someone who gives a damn!" the furious San'nin interjected heatedly. "I can't believe this. What a waste of fucking time!!" Growling angrily under his breath, he took up the reins to the sleigh. He'd make this thing work, and he'd use it to run the fat bitch over while he was at it. As he managed to whip the creatures into doing what he wanted - less the running the woman over part - Orochimaru spat venomously, "And _I'm _the one who murdered your fat bastard of a husband!!"

---

In the surprisingly short time it took for them to return to Otogakure's latest location, Orochimaru said absolutely nothing. He simply fumed silently, his nails still digging painfully into Kabuto's tender skin. The medic knew all too well that, once they were inside, there would be Hell to pay. After all, it had been _him_ who'd alluded to the man's immortality. But it's not like anyone could blame him!! Practically no one had actually _seen _the guy, and those who had had all claimed similar descriptions, regardless of the generation of the witness. It was a simple mistake. Hell, even Sasuke had believed it.

Orochimaru roughly dragged Kabuto out of the contraption, storming wrathfully into their underground home. There was no smell of a rotting body, which meant that _someone_ had had the common sense to clean the corpse up. At least something had gone right.

"Sasuke-kun!!" the San'nin might as well have screamed, "Grab that fat waste of skin's body and throw it in that God forsaken piece of shit on the roof!!"

The silver haired oto'nin flinched at the pure fury that echoed in his master's voice. It was going to take _quite _the effort to calm Orochimaru down this time around. Pulling himself into a more dignified standing position - as opposed to being dragged like a rag doll behind the irate snake lord - Kabuto hesitantly cleared his throat. "Um…Lord Orochimaru? Are you --"

"Shut up, Kabuto," the older man snarled dangerously, golden eyes flashing through raven hair just enough to silence the boy, "_You_ are coming with me. I need to forget all about this God damn holiday."

Blinking for a moment, Kabuto realized what the other was referring to and an all too familiar heat rose on his face. He absently twined his fingers with Orochimaru's offering a soft smile. "Of course, my lord. Whatever you need of me."

Orochimaru turned abruptly and pulled Kabuto up against him, shamelessly taking hold of the younger man's ass with one long fingered hand. "What I need of you, Kabuto, is to keep me entertained for the next two days." Leaning in, the snake lord bit down roughly on the boy's ear, drawing a soft gasp and whimper from his lover. "I want to take you until I don't remember why I'm so pissed off."

Perhaps the holiday had been a bad one, to begin with at the very least. But as Kabuto was dragged unceremoniously down the halls and into his master's private chambers, the medic couldn't help but smile. Maybe Orochimaru would never want to celebrate or think about Christmas ever again, but Kabuto was thoroughly convinced that this was the best damn day of the year.

---

_HAHAHA!! WORST STORY EVER!! XD No, but really, it's a lot worse than my usual stuff. Hence why it is a crack fic, right? =P I don't expect anything from you guys for this one. And leave it to me to end with OroKabu, ne? XD I'm horrible. _


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